Christmas Wishes

Well that's the hard bit over anyway. Christmas came and went with only one family incident, when I nearly smacked my Father in law over the rules of shoot pontoon and the fact that whilst taking my money he was making up new rules when he felt like it. For the sake of the other people in the room and the fact that I'm not usually violent I resisted the temptation to flip the living room table over and walk out.

In a gambling sense I'm making a small profit at live Backgammon at lunch times, and I haven't played any poker for over a while. It looks as if I'll be down at poker in 2009 but not by much. I've decided to play more live poker, so it looks like it's The Empire, The Vic and dare I say it The Loose Cannon for me. I really hope Roy and the others get back into regular poker at the Cannon, as it really is a fantastic venue. I was glad to read Jimbo finished the year in profit, I've made a mental note to be very wary of playing the Dungbeetle in cash games due to some of the crazy hands I've read about.

It looks like we're giving Vegas a break from us in 2010. Needless to say if I go somewhere where there's no poker and I spend the same amount of money I will not be a happy bunny.

My New Year's resolutions are ;
1. Run most of the Marathon and don't cheat.
2. Don't booze for the first 3 weeks
3. Play lots of live poker
4. Finish the ensuite bathroom
5. Lose some weight.

Happy New Year all.

Poker Wilderness

I haven't been playing much poker recently. This is mainly due to work, Xmas, doing the ensuite shower room and losing online. I've even stalled on ordering my new PC as I'm just too busy to play at present. I still love the game and will get back on it in the New Year.
I'm off out for a beer and a curry tonight with my bro, and have a big night out in Covent Garden Thursday. For those of you who are religious then Merry Christmas, for those of you who are like me, enjoy any free days off you get.

Argos and Wetherspoons Rant of the Day

Argos Stores

Now, don't get me totally wrong. I'm not against the retailer per se. If you want something cheap, cheerful and functional it's a great place to shop. Stuff for kid's bedrooms that you know they'll junk eventually. Items they don't supply at work but you need and object to spending a fortune on (my desk lamp for instance). If you do the internet thing you avoid the main problem I take issue with but you're then at the mercy of the delivery company. So, if you're a "need it now" type then it's off to the nearest branch, and that's where the problems begin.
It's the customers.
From the moment you pull open the door you know you've probably just arrived at Chav Central Station. Ordinary folk do the sensible thing. Tap a number into the touch-screen, select the item, pay using your PIN card and take your ticket to the counter.
Not so your track-suited genetic misfit who's arrived with three kids and zero ideas on how to control the little bastards. No amount of yelling "Chelsea. Get 'ere nah!" is going to have the desired effect as the grubby, snotty little beasts tear around the shop floor as if they've just mainlined the e-numbers from Iceland food straight into their arteries.
Because Mrs. Throwback has to queue to pay cash at the desk she's trapped in the place for much longer than you think is safe. So you try to ignore the chaos, all the time begging every god you ever worshipped that the three brats will rush to the same spot, at the same time, collide with a satisfying wallop and knock themselves unconscious.
Then there's the dim-witted knuckle dragger at the Returns Desk who can't seem to grasp a very simple notion. If you bought your ghastly daughter an i-pod six months ago and she's;
a) lost it for a week,
b) found it in the front garden,
c) been sick on it after too much White Lightning, and
d) dropped it down the cludgee, twice, while pissed,
chances are the assistant manager isn't going to consider a refund on a small electrical apparatus that looks like it's been to Afghanistan and back, strapped to the outside of a tank.
Shouting very loudly that you know your consumer rights, in the hope that causing a fuss is going to embarrass the chap into giving you your money back just to get rid of you, isn't going to wash in here, matey. They've seen it all and you're just making yourself look an even bigger cock than you already are.
So, having failed to bully the staff into surrendering to your foul-mouthed tirade it's time to stomp off to the subject of my next rant.

Wetherspoons
Ye, gods. If this is the shape of things to come for British pubs no wonder the licensing trade's diving head-first down the pan. Now, I've spoken to people in the business and Wetherspoon's have a cleverly cynical marketing strategy. They buy vast quantities of stuff that's getting near the end of it's cellar life then push it out to their branches where it's going to sell best. It's offered at cut prices, was at the cheaper end of the market to start with and sold in a former shop that's been converted into what's supposed to be a boozer but looks more like an amusement arcade......run by the witless........for the benefit of.....yep, here he comes.
It's yer man from Argos.
With a face like thunder and a temper to match.
In here he can drink himself into a stupor on bargain basement Stella Artois and shout into his mobile to his bawling daughter that she'll have to wait for his next benefit cheque to come through before she can have a new music player. That or steal one from a sleeping drunk on a late-night train.
But I digress. Back to the Bar For The Brain-dead.
Sat around tables dotted about a carpet that looks like it's been dragged along the riverbank at low tide are the early crowd. Usually red-nosed male pensioners who've come to take advantage of Worthington's Best Bitter at £1.50 a pint. Served from 9.00am until closing time, 3.00am the next morning. Not that the early set will make it that far. By midday they've put the world to rights in conversations with their equally geriatric mates and been to the pisser eight times to empty the bag. One favoured topic of conversation will be the bloody awful surroundings they're forced to drink in but they'll be back at 9.00 o'clock tomorrow morning.
Almost knocking the door down as it's sleepily opened by the college failure who's supposed to have been trained to a high degree in the licensing business at Wetherspoon's very own in-house Academy for the Terminally Stupid.
He's highly skilled at draining every last drop of rancid ale from a stainless steel keg but wouldn't know how to keep a real ale in a wooden barrel if you tried to teach him at gunpoint.
He can fix a new optic of 'two for one' pathetic vodka to the rack blindfolded but ask him for a straight malt whisky and he'll blurt back "How much lemonade would you like with that?"
Meanwhile the early set mutter away as the glassy-eyed benefit scrounger makes the fruit machine beep, whizz and pop as he slavishly feeds the very machine that will be the ruin of him. He'll slaver like one of Pavlov's dogs and get a semi-stiffy every time the device gives him a 'double nudge', all the time sipping Foster's, struggling to drink, think and stand upright all at the same time.
Bang on 12.30 the old codgers will have stumbled to the bus stop and been replaced by the Office Crowd. They know the place is a bloody cess-pit but it's close to the workplace to cut down on travelling time. So they can have an extra pint as they bemoan to their colleagues about how the manager is a cut-throat bastard and Sandra from Human Resources would 'get it' if she wasn't engaged to him.
Their circulatory system isn't hardened enough from stress quite yet so it's time to shovel down an All Day Breakfast that looks like it's really has been sat on a greasy hot-plate all day. Then back to the office for another three hours of shopping and porn on the firm's computers.
Eventually the evening crowd will fill the place to quaff alco-pops, JD and cokes and pints of Stella until the tilt mechanism flicks in one of them and they start a fight that makes the War in Iraq look like a dispute over a parking ticket.
Blood, snot and gore running down the steps of the pub as the crazed pillock rips off his T shirt and yells "Come on, then you carrrnts. Let's 'ave it!' before another lout cracks him over the swede with a Budweiser bottle and the constabulary arrive to find utter bedlam and several dozen potential witness who were all in the kharzi at the critical moment.

That's enough ranting for one morning. I'm off to a real inn for decent pint.

Genuine Australian Tourism Website Q&A

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A:Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...

Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Sending Me Over the Edge

Everyone was away this weekend apart from my faithful hound, so what did I do? Instead of going to the pub and getting smashed or going to the Empire to play some cash poker with reckless abandon I decided to have a good crack at finishing the en suite shower and sink fitting. I was doing really well when at about 8pm Friday night I thought about stopping work for beer. I decided to work on, and managed to break a waste pipe that was behind a toilet and couldn't be got to without removing half a wall. I've been feeling a bit run down for a while and have had a three month long cold (which must be some kind of record), so once I realised the gravity of what I'd done I had no option but to burst into tears and ring my Mum. Not once did I think 'I'm nearly 40, should I really be bawling over a fucking pipe?'
Anyway to cut a long story shortish my Brother came round and we spent four hours fixing the pipe, so now I'm back to where I started with a wall to rebuild.

I suppose it goes to show getting drunk and playing poker is much less stressful than DIY. Curiously enough I nearly won a PKR break thru tourney that night after a bottle of Chablis, so I guess it's not all bad news.

Very Strong Backgammon

I've been concentrating on Backgammon and DIY in the last few weeks. Poker has taken a back seat as I've decided I'm a fish at online poker and need to consider a complete change of direction. I need to move away from SNGs and low buy in MTTs and look towards cash games to make a bit of cash. Before I go down that road though I need to get Hold 'em manager, Poker Tracker or a similar program and get mining for data.* Once I've got it all in place I can start raking it in.

The Backgammon is coming on, with a small profit in the last couple of months. The lads at work are even talking about having a backgammon night with beers etc. I never thought in a million years I'd be going round someone's house to play a board game for money. I do love the game though.

I'm still doing the ensuite shower. Honestly I'm still doing it wifey...



* I just thought, I come from long line of miners, and far be it from me to buck the family trend.

Self Improvement Ruined

I had it all set up this morning. The house was empty, the coffee was made, the clips were streaming in nicely and the Kleenex was on scene. I was just about to start my self improvement session when I heard a car pull up. It was the Mother in Law/housekeeper turning up an hour early. Bollocks! I knew I had to let her in as she's got a key, so I paused all the clips and welcomed her into my humble abode. She cracked on with the ironing and I was left to ponder whether to go back upstairs, turn the sound down and have a quick danger wank, or shut it all down and retire to the shed to continue my painting. I chose the DIY over the wank, which is a new direction for me.

Whilst we're on new directions, my poker hobby is costing me money this year so I may start to play more online Backgammon. The downside of that is I have even more paranoia over cheating at Backgammon than poker, as it's a game of complete information. In the live arena I won a 40 quid game yesterday against one of my colleagues which must have hurt, so that may be the way to go.

Bonus Bashing and Backgammon

I've been playing loads of $11 double up SNGs on Party trying to grind out a bonus with some success, then a load of failure. I just can't seem to get anything together online anymore. At least it's not my job, just a bit of a release after work.
On the subject of work I'm up about £70 in Backgammon this month. My team are totally addicted to the game after I brought a board in for lunch breaks a few months ago. I lost money the first month, but am making up for it now with win after lovely win. My lot probably think they've been hustled, but I'm no better than them in general. The difference is I'll buy books and practice online, when they just play at lunch time. In the long run I can't lose.

In a poker sense I wish Akenhead lots of luck in the WSOP, I'm gutted it's not on TV or even the web, but that's a sign of the times.

World Shortage on Computer Chairs

As reported earlier the combined poundage of my wife and I conspired to break my fake leather computer chair the other week, so I've been hunting for a replacement to rest my weary arse on and lose my hard earned cash. I had no idea buying a chair would be so hard. I've been to PC World, M&S, John Lewis and all bloody over the net for a nice black padded computer chair that is not over a ton and and a half. I've come to the conclusion that whatever Chinese sweat shop makes the aforementioned chairs have gone on strike for an extra Dollar a day. I wish I could contact the factory direct and pay Mr Woo a few quid to knock me one up. Until I get one I'm on a hard plastic jobbie, and my arse is numb.

Despite the anal problems the poker results are on the up. I tried desperately to lose a few quid to my mate who's going bankrupt but I couldn't lose a hand against the poor fucker and won forty quid off him last week. Betfair gave me a free $20 to spend on a tourney so I entered a $27 SNG and came second for $67. I intend to get up to the Empire or International soon as I need to get my feet wet in the live arena again.

Current DIY projects ;
Fit Shower and tile en suite
Move my cupboard door
Make Backgammon board from wood
Make big f*kin workbench in the garage as I'm never going to have an Audi TT or Z car again
Look into increasing the size of the vegetable patch (great success in veg this year)

Back to work next week after nine days off, joy...

All Work, No Play is Over

I earned myself 800 quid extra over the last two weeks which will pay for half my new PC, I'll get the other half next time I get overtime. It's nice to get back to normality, and to celebrate I went to Mad Pat's home game last night. Pat is a good host but a terrible organiser, so I chipped in and helped with the blind structure. There were a few reasonably new players there which slowed things down to a snail's pace, but their money is as good as everyone else's so they're welcome.

I'm off down to Warmwell for a few days so it'll be kitchen table poker with the outlaws, and Haven Holiday entertainment nights. I don't know if I take that much fun.

Nearly There......

I've got two more 12 hour days left at work then I'm off for a well earned rest down in Dorset, a lovely part of the world. I'll be recovering from working until 4am for two weeks, then I'm off to the pub for loads of beer and sea air, a real man's tonic.
I'll be playing some family five pound sit n' gos which are quite profitable sometimes. I intend to do some painting too if the mood takes me.
These long shifts at work mean we've had a bit more time for Backgammon and I'm pleased to report I'm 50 quid up at present. Payday is 31st October so there's time for a comeback from my lads, although the dice are being kind to me at the moment so I think they'll be shelling out large.
When I get back I've got a bathroom to fit then I'm off up town to play some poker.

Work, Work, Work

That's about it at the moment, I've got an overtime budget for a week or two so the team and I are just hitting it hard. I've managed to get a few backgammon games in at lunchbreak, but apart from that there's no gambling at the moment. It's just get up, work long hours, come home, throw a London Pride down my neck, sleep and do the whole thing again. I'm not complaining though as the money will come in handy for Christmas.

The Mouth, Man Flu and Man Boobs

I've been reading Mike the Mouth's Book 'Check raising the Devil' and have to admit I can't put it down. I've always thought of Mike Matusow as a truly gifted player who lets himself down with the drugs and other bad habits available to someone with pots of money. The book sets the record straight, and if it's all true then it would appear he's been naive to the point of stupidity, and getting locked up was the kick in the nuts he needed to survive.

I've had a cold for two weeks now and I'm starting to think it was pig flu. I felt like shit for two days then like a wet fart for the rest of the time. Needless to say I've not been playing much online and live poker has been off the radar. I'm desperate to get back into it but it will have to wait, as despite my boss saying 'You'll never get it' I've just had a five grand budget given to me at work and will be working loads in the next few weeks.

My trusty computer chair is on it's last leg(s). The enormous weight of my moobs is just too much for it. Any day now it will give up and I'll go crashing into my CAFC signed shirt head first. To be fair to the chair it's the wife's fault, she loves to sit on my lap while I play poker. 30 Stones of blubber is too much for any chair.

Anyway I'm enjoying reading all your blogs on my list, keep up the good work!

A Step Back in Time

As I mentioned before Party Poker very kindly gave me $50 to get me playing again. I've been playing $11 Double or nothing speed tourneys for a bit of instant gratification, and it's just like playing online poker at the start of the poker boom. The players are so fishy it stinks! Even the table with nine 'Russian Federation' players who were clearly in the same room were taken to the cleaners. I don't know if it's the fact that the players are terrible, or me playing some great poker, but I'm winning and it feels good! Even my rotten cold has taken a back seat to my poker glory. I'm $62 up today which pays for the huge curry I just had. I'm having a beer....Good luck all!

Two days later....

Back to 2009 and I haven't won a game for ages. Looks like my blast to the past was short lived, and I'm the fish again. 'Pride before a fall' was never more accurate! At least I've cleared my Party Poker bonus and have a totally free hundred quid to put towards my new PC.

Not Quite Unwell Enough

I fought off a cold for weeks, but finally succumbed to the virus on Thursday. I felt like shit but it wasn't bad enough to go sick (I hate being off sick when I'm unwell, it seems like such a waste). With that in mind I was at work over the weekend and did just about nothing at all.

The other day Party Poker very kindly stuck $50 on my dormant account which I spun upto $150 on a 0.25/0.5 NL table in an hour. A mad German bluff monster just kept blowing his roll to me (in any other situation apart from poker that would sound quite nasty). I love it when a plan comes together.
I used the $150 to play a few $11 double or nothing games on Party and I have about the same amount. I've got 55 days to get a load of points or they'll take the $50 off me so I might be looking for a heads up game in early November with someone who has a Party account.... oh if you haven't got a Party account click the link to the right and sign up! (Sorry I couldn't resist)

I'm having a well earned day off work tomorrow. Hopefully the sun will come out and my taste buds will be working again for the London Pride.

Horse, Wind and Fire

I took the wife to a home game last night where the host repeatedly gets the structure of his tournaments wrong. He hates playing crapshoots so if you bust out early you spend the next three hours listening to his annoying wife questioning every single poker rule going. We started with 1500 chips and 20 minute blinds which started at 1 & 2! Add to that we spent the first hour talking about work and we were in for a long night. I had terrible wind so at least I had something to entertain me, especially as I don't think shitting your pants every few minutes is allowed in their house.

Needless to say I bust out with top pair/ kicker when the host had aces, but the tourney was only ten quid and the wife took it down so we made a profit.

If I thought the Hold 'em tourney was slow then I was in for a treat - we spent the next three hours playing a HORSE tourney. This would have been a pleasurable new experience but for the fact that every rule had to be explained multiple times, and I was getting drunk. I just sat there and noisily farted before bubbling and going home.

Expect The Unexpected

I'd finished my exam today and was on the train just about to nod off when I noticed a bird who was wearing a vest top and one of those short cardigan type tops that looks like it's shrunk in the wash. She took off the cardigan in a hurried fashion and I thought 'Oi Oi what's all this then?' (as you do). Imagine my surprise when she took out a carrier bag and vomited so violently it hurt my ears. I hung around for a few seconds just to see the reactions of the other passengers, then got the hell outta there before that bag started a leakin'!
She got off at Bexleyheath by the way.

Is Anyone Having a Spot of Bother?

I just can't seem to get anything together anymore on the virtual felt. I used to cash 50% of the time in standard SNGs upto $20, now I don't play over $10 and I am leaking money every month. I think the problem is a combination of me not improving and players getting better because of software/books/coaching. I've tried playing tight aggressive, loose aggressive and even rocked up on a few occasions. It seems I'm stuck in a rut which can't be a downswing - it's gone on too long. Maybe I should stick with the Wii and get my Wii face on (it's just like a jizz face without the clearing up)

I'm not getting all depressed as this is entertainment to me, it's just nice to bloody win sometimes. Once I get my exam out of the way next week I'm making plans to get up to the International, The Empire and maybe even heading down to the 'G' in inbred Thanet for the GUKPT 100 quid side event. I've got a home game to go to on Saturday where we're playing a HORSE tourney, so I'll be swatting up on the more interesting poker variants this week and taking the Moss man down hopefully.

Back in The Room at Last

I've had a break from poker for a week or so due to a bad run and other commitments, however last night enough was enough and I loaded up PKR and Betfair and played a few speed tournaments. Whilst breaking even I realised that I still enjoyed playing online poker. I think the games are tougher these days so my profits are reduced, but I'm just a casual player anyway so profit shouldn't be my number one incentive to play. I've decided to make an effort to just enjoy playing, not be concerned with the beats or losses and see where that gets me. I will report on my P&L of course.

Miserable sod, that's the last book of yours I buy.

Not Much Poker in Town

I haven't been playing much for the last week due to being busy at work and home, going on a downswing and getting the new Wii Sports game. I'm also studying for an exam on 8th September so I can't justify trekking up to the Empire or grinding online at the moment. I promised myself if I pass this exam I'll buy a new PC with two 24" monitors so I can have a decent crack at multi tabling. I'll be concerned that I'll just lose faster, but that's the game I suppose.

I've been playing a bit of Backgammon at work for a pound a point - my new work lot are proper gamblers, and I'm taking advantage of their lack of experience in the game to grind out a few quid.

I hope to report on some decent poker soon, in the meantime have a good one.

Bad Start and End to the Day

Yesterday was a funny old day. I took the dog for a walk early on and had to take an emergency poo in a bush. Apart from the other dog walkers hurrying past the worst bit about it was I'd gone out with a pair of shorts on and no pants, so there was nothing to wipe my arse with and leave in the bush. I had to walk home like Forrest Gump before the leg braces fell off.

After a nice shower I set about my main job for the day - taking out the old leaky shower unit. Three hours and much swearing later I'd taken the bloody thing out, which would not budge without me smashing the bottom row of tiles. The wife was away so I was pondering whether to go to the International for their 25 quid freezeout, but after my mamouth session(s) in the shower I decided to play online and try and release some bonuses on Virgin and PKR. The only thing I managed to 'release' was most of my funds on those sites during the evening. After a string of beats and lost races I turned to Bulmers cider to numb the pain and subsequently lost more money. Poker can be a real ball ache sometimes.

Home Game Action

I had a nine player home game last night and took a 'food contribution' rake as the tight gits didn't offer to chip in for all the pizzas and crisps I supplied last time. I did them cheap pizzas and nibbles this time but I still spent twenty quid. I got 28 quid in rake, which I'm glad about because boy did they moan! It seems that people want to come round my house and be fed and watered for free, then don't host their own home games and return the favour. One bloke even started drinking my beer without bringing any! Unbelievable.

***Rant Over***
It was actually a good night for banter and laffs. I broke even and the wife made a profit as usual, so we were in profit overall. We played spread limit cash again and some quick Hold'em tournies to keep everyone in action.

I'm looking for some live action Tuesday or Wednesday this week as the wife is away. I'm supposed to be fitting the shower but I've got to have some release.... I might have a look at the International or maybe stay safe and go to The Empire. Full report later.

The Horseshoe Falls again

I've Been Done up like a Kipper

I've spent months trying to rake 100 Euros on my Virgin account so I can get my 30% rakeback. I achieved my goal the other day and sent an email to raketherake asking where my rakeback was. To my shock they told me I need to rake 100 Euros in one month to get a bean.

If that's the case I'd need to play 666 head up matches (At 3.15 Euros) in that month to get any rakeback. Doing 23 heads up matches a day doesn't seem that bad, but when I factor in that it's every day of the month and I have to go to work and have a wife, then it's too much. I sometimes wish online poker was around about twenty years ago when I used to sit around and watch Star Trek TNG videos all day, I had so much time then....

I've decided to bin Virgin unless I can find some fish on there or they give me some juicy bonus offers.

As far as the playing is concerned my rush of cards has dried up and I'm back to forgetting the beats I dish out and remembering the ones I suffer. I'm hovering at about $400 profit in SNGs this year. I have a home game Sunday where 'm hoping to clean up. Time for some Chicken Tikka Jalfrezi and Vegetable rice with Holland Vs England on the box.

Quality Production, even if I do say so myself

Work Getting in the Way

Work is getting in the way of my poker again. I'm on a seven day week and my boss has been a pain for six of those seven days, and we're only on day six. Add to that and the other supervisor is back and is as much of a pain in the arse as ever, it's been one of those weeks. To cap it off I had an argument with 'Tom' from the Halifax this morning as I didn't want to accept their renewal offer and had got insurance cheaper elsewhere. To cut a long story short I don't like the insurance companies inflating renewal premiums to take advantage of people who can't or won't search for a cheaper quote each year. I only rang to cancel the policy, but he wouldn't let me get off the phone so I had to use some direct language. I stopped just short of calling him a twat.

In a poker sense I'm trying to grind out a 20 Euro bonus from Virgin and my free $30 from Betfair is now $65. I lost about $30 on Full Tilt trying to grind a $100 bonus. I was going to deposit and keep going but I don't think I'll generate enough rake in time. I'll let that one go. I'm still on a bit of a run, and have climbed to $435 SNG profit for 2009. I only have to make $9,500 more to pay my Vegas holiday credit card bill. Happy Days!

.................................................................................

'Under' Niagara Falls

On a Mini Roll

I love mini rolls. In a confectionery sense they have chocolate, sponge and cream. If they had some biscuit they would be perfect in my books. In a poker sense a mini roll is just what I need after a poor Las Vegas poker record this year. I've been grinding low stakes double up tourneys on Virgin and Betfair and winning about 80% of them. I just need to turn this mini roll into a bona fide 'Roll' and push on to make a dent in the $1500 I lost at poker the other week. At least I'm still in profit at MTTs thanks to a hot streak of cashes at the Empire.
One of my Hombres has threatened to take me up 'The Big Slick' soon for some action. I suppose I should give it a go or he'll keep going on..

2009 Poker Profit and (Loss)
Cash (Live & Online) - ($560)
SNGs (Online) - $389
MTTs (Live & Online) - $137
Total - ($34)

Lake Mead near Hoover Dam

High Speed One & Betfair

I has to go to Earl's Court today so I thought I'd spoil myself and have a go on the High Speed One train from Ebbsfleet to London St.Pancreas. Seventeen minutes from the countryside to the City is nice and quick, and it has the bonus of not having to stop at scumbag areas such as Woolwich, Abbeywood, Deptford etc etc. In fact there are no stops at all.

St.Pancreas Station is all nice and new, but there is a problem - it's the Eurostar terminal so it's full of strange people with too much facial hair, tight jeans and oversized suitcases*, which they leave lying around everywhere. It took me ten minutes to dodge through the crowds and get onto the tube, but that's London I suppose. I worked out I can get from Ebbsfleet to The Empire in Leicester Square in 31 minutes, and to The International in 25 minutes.

Betfair stuck $30 in my dormant account tonight with the condition that I play some poker this weekend. That's the kind of deal I like! It seems to make sense to keep a few accounts with nothing in here and there, as the sites are so desparate for us to be paying the rake they'll even bankroll us in a limited way.

*This blog is not intended to offend any strange people. Your individuality enriches society, and we love you for it.

The Grand Canyon from Guano Point

Back to Reality...

I'm right back into the suburban grind after three weeks of Fantasy Island in Niagara and Vegas. I've been getting out of bed and going to work at 1am as my brain is still in Pacific Time Zone, otherwise things are normal again.

I've been playing a few $6 turbo heads up games and $5 double or nothing sngs on Pokerstars to get me back into grinding online. I've been hitting loads of sets and sucking out on the river but so far I'm only slightly up. My mind isn't really on it due to the jetlag, but it beats mowing the lawn.

I bought some speed cloth, a toke box and slit in Vegas as I'm going to start a 'food contribution rake' in my home games. I've already fitted it all to my poker table so I'm looking forward to the next game. The spread limit cash worked well last time and generated some hefty pots without busting people out, so I'll try that again.

I intend to get down the Empire in the next couple of weeks where I'll try and turn around my run of tournament failures in Vegas. If I see Chuck down there I'll congratulate him after his Main Event heroics. I'll stick a few Vegas and Niagara pics in my next few posts to brighten things up.

Horseshoe Falls

A Winning Day in Vegas!

I've just got up after the mammoth flight on the 'Big Virgin Bird' from Las Vegas. The Devilfish was in Upper Class with his dolly bird, a petite blonde who looks like she adores him.
One day I'll fly Upper Class and maybe I wont wake up feeling like I've been systematically and unceasingly buggered by the entire Australian rugby union team for ten hours.

On a lighter note the last couple of days in Vegas were unusually profitable from gambling. We won about $900 at craps, slots and even roulette. The rush made me wish I was there a few more days, but I knew it couldn't last. Here are the final figures :

Niagara/Vegas Gaming Record
Poker - $1080 Down
Craps - $605 Down
Slots - $1680 Down
Roulette - $130 Down
Caribbean Stud - $30 Down

Total - $3505 Down - (£2190)

Clearly my poker game needs some work. The fact that the wife won two tournaments and I was a complete fish the whole holiday will be brought up at every home game and Empire night out for the next year, which is my punishment for ignoring pot odds and trying to push junior players off top pair with flush draws.... I bought a toke box and slot for my home poker table so whilst I'm being ribbed about my lack of success I'll be quietly taking a rake....

Just Call it Variance and I'll Feel Better

My Vegas holiday is coming to an end and my poker record is nothing to be proud of. I've played seven Planet Hollywood tournaments, making only one final table for a 'buy in refund', two Mirage tournaments finishing in 18th and 20th out of about 45 runners, one Venetian tournament finishing 35th/107 when someone flopped quads on me, and one Caesars tourney, finishing out of the money in 8th. All the tournaments have followed a similar pattern i.e. tight aggressive early on making a few chips here and there, then going card dead when we get to two tables and having to push with a non premium hand which loses to a premium hand.
My tournament loss is $790.

In cash poker I stopped playing no limit so my losses only amount to $492 as we stand. I've enjoyed playing cash more than the tournaments as I've been playing in the same room as Brunson, Laak, Ivey, Antonius, Benyamine, Deeb, Cloutier etc, and I've had a laff. I was sitting at a table in the Bellagio one morning and two Scousers were at the next table chatting away, until the dealer leaned over to them and said in total sincerity 'Guys, English only at the table'. I nearly spat my frothy coffee on the carpet I laughed so much. What was even funnier is a couple of the Americans at the table nodded their heads! Classic.

I played a few PH tourneys with an MTV film crew following a nob of a player who is trying to make it big in poker. The program is called 'Poker - Life's a Gamble' or similar. After I bust out again I was playing cash with one of the producer who asked me what I thought of their boy and I said he has good instincts but he's a cock, to which he said he'd like to get that on film! If they play that on MTV it would be one of my proudest moments, as the bloke is a real class one tool...

As well as prices going up and shops and restaurants closing down in Vegas I've noticed breath standards have dropped sharply. If I had a pound for every bloke I've sat next to at a poker table this holiday with breath like he'd just been rimming a cow's arse I'd have about ten pounds now. I can't understand it - when I get out of bed I can tell my mouth smells like a sewer so I brush my teeth, have some food and maybe even have a Tic Tac. What I don't do is walk straight out of the door and sign up for the 10am at Planet Hollywood. Maybe that's why my record is so bad...

One positive note is the wife has won two tournaments for a total of $1400, which helps the bankroll but continues to fuel the fire that signals she's a better player than me. Seeing the Grand Canyon after six years and Niagara Falls are sights I'll always remember, oh and getting a picture with a miserable TJ Cloutier was a highlight.

Niagara/Vegas Gaming Record
Poker - $1080 Down
Craps - $1010 Down
Slots - $1840 Down
Roulette - $350 Down
Caribbean Stud - $30 Down

Total - $4310 Down - £2693 in the hole

Over-Shadowed by the Wife Again

We played the 2pm $80 Planet Hollywood freeze out after a 110 Fahrenheit walk to the Hard Rock and a cab back after having a look at the Hard Rock Poker Lounge Morgue. I busted 8th out of 49 for $80 when I didn't get the cards at the crucial two table left period. The wife did a bit better taking it down for $983 and giving her bragging rights for the next year or so. She stormed it in truth and deserved her win. Good Girl!

The Planet Hollywood management wouldn't assist in a final table deal which really annoys me. We're the customers, and for them to press a few buttons on a computer wouldn't be too difficult. The Empire had the sense to help us out when I spoke to them, so for PH and the other Vegas casinos to refuse to help players out smacks of laziness. Not good you lot especially considering the rake you charge.

Anyway over to the Rio in a moment after a good Newcastle Brown Ale clear out...

1/2 NL at the Bellagio before Brekkie

A difficult session this morning saw me lose my $200 buy in to bad play and bad luck. I was unable to get away from pocket aces on a scary board and lost $100 to someone who'd flopped a straight, and whatever I came into the pot with missed the flop in a big way. I found myself getting frustrated and bored so I blew off my last $50 going all in pre flop with K4 suited and was called by 56 off suit. Of course the flop came 5,6 etc etc. Not to worry, I'm off to the Hard Rock today to see their new room and play the 1pm tourney, then over to the Rio to catch up on the action over there. I'm pleased to see Chuck, the writer of 'A Year in the Life' blog below is still in the main event. There's hope for us all!

Slow Start in Vegas

So far I've played two low buy in tournaments, one at PH where I finished mid way through the field with a below par performance, and one at Mirage where I finished 16th/37 after my pocket kings were out flopped by AQ with stacks in preflop.

Cash games have been more interesting, yesterday at Bellagio I lost $200 to a player who went all in blind pre flop and made two pair on the river with ten four to beat my top pair. There was another player at the table who said he was a big Internet player, who went all in pre flop blind every hand for $100 or whatever he had won on the previous hand. In the time he was there I picked up nothing to call his all ins, but others did and regularly lost with AK etc to his raggy random cards. It wasn't really a game of poker any more but a feast of bad beats inflicted by someone with no care for the money at all. Even Phil Laak came over to watch the punishment being handed out. Even though I lost I've never laughed so much at a poker table.
I've been making a partial recovery on the cash games, with a $40 win on 4/8 Limit this morning and an $80 win on a 3/6 table at the MGM yesterday.

I've seen some poker stars around, namely Chan, Deeb, Fish, Antonious, Hansen. I admit I get a bit star struck as you don't see these folks at the Empire Leicester Square in the £20 rebuy..
I saw Jamie Gold make a bluff on the river of a Venetian deep stack event and be called by someone with King high. Gold mucked mumbling 'I have to be the worst player ever....' I feel for him winning $12 million and having to do the honourable thing and pay his partner...

Niagara/Vegas Gaming Record
Poker - $570 Down
Craps - $440 Down
Slots - $950 Down
Roulette - $250 Down
Carribean Stud - $30 Down

Total - $2240 Down

Getting Shafted at the Falls

I played some 2/5 NL this morning and lost.
I had 10, 9 of spades on the button and had called a $15 raise from a loose drunk player. Three of us saw the flop of 2,3,5 of spades. I checked, drunk man bets $15 and the third man raises to $35. This is the moment my wife says she'd have folded, I decided to push my $150 in, clench my arse cheeks and hope for the best. After two more all ins we're off to the turn. Two diamonds later I get shown a queen high flush and a busted nut flush and I'm walking away to go and tell the wife how 'unlucky' I was. Maybe I'm getting better at this game!

Niagara Gaming Record
Poker - $160 Down
Craps - $760 Down (Getting butt fucked every time)
Slots - $290 Down
Roulette - $200 Down

Total - $1410 Down

Jet Lagged 2/5 NL at Fallsview

I did a load of the tourist things yesterday, 'Niagra's Fury', 'The Journey Behind the Falls' and the 'Whirlpool Aerocar'. All were worth doing and kept me away from the craps table. The falls are something everyone should see in their lifetime and I'm glad I've worked hard enough to be able to come here.

The poker at the Fallsview is a bit different to your typical Vegas casino ;

1. There are no tournaments, just no limit cash games (2/5, 5/5 and 5/10).
2. You have to bring chips to the table by grabbing some from the cage, which is over the other side of the casino. I suppose I may be tempted to play some slots on the way back..
3. It's a $6 per half hour table charge which I think is cheaper than a rake as long as you drag a few pots here and there.
4. The dealer wasn't too happy giving me change for my $100 chips even though he had a load of $5 chips in his rack. He was even less happy when I didn't tip him.

In the hour I played when I woke up at 4am I had one hand of note. I limped with pocket tens as the table was tight. A load of players also limped and the flop came 4 4 6, two hearts. A loose player bet $20 and I called, hoping he had a flush draw. Just us two see the turn which is a scary looking King of hearts. He checked and I checked behind not wanting to be check raised. Another 4 came on the river and he checked, which makes me think he may have a low flush or two unpaired high cards for squadoush. I bet $35 and he called then mucked when he saw my boat. I think he may have made a curiosity call with high cards rather than a flush. I don't know really as I'm a fish.

I only played one hour as I have a date with the 'Maid of the Mist' and the 'Niagara Rapids Walk'. I hope the Maid has a bog on it as it's time for a greasy breakfast!

Niagara Gaming Record
Poker - $40 Up
Craps - $560 Down (Getting butt fucked every time)
Slots - $60 Down

Total - $620 Down

The Journey To The Falls

I feel like I've spent four hours being sat on by a 25 stone dinner lady. We arrived at Niagara Fallsview last night after a mammoth 18 hour journey which involved two flights, two cab rides, a screaming kid and two customs officers asking me awkward questions about how much money I've brought into the US and Canada. The flights weren't bad to be fair, but lugging four massive cases across the world is never fun. I was so tired last night all I could manage to do was woof back a burger then hit the sack. I've just had my customary 5am jet lag wander around and first impressions of Niagara Fallsview are that it's good. The place is just like a Vegas casino with these advantages ;

No smoking indoors at all
Friendly staff
The Falls!
Better exchange rate
Free Internet

We're here for four nights and I wished I'd booked a week. The word stunning doesn't do the falls justice. I've had a sneaky go on Craps and the Wheel of Fortune and won $210 in about half hour which helps. The poker room is basic with only 2/5 and 5/5 NLHE going at 5am, but it'll do.
I need to get all the tourist things done with the falls before I play any poker, so I might not post a tournament report until Vegas on Thursday. I might sneak a bit of cash in but I'm so bad at NL cash I'm just giving it away. Anyway it's 7.11am and high time the wife left her pit.....

It's Vegas baby!

Well not straight away, we're flying to Boston then Buffalo for a four night stay at Niagara Falls before getting two more flights to get to Las Vegas. We leave in about two hours for what will be a mamouth day of travelling. We're Premium Economy on the Virgin plane to Boston but I've got plans to upgrade for free to Upper Class. My chances are slim but when we're talking upgrades even 7-2 offsuit will do.

Once in Vegas I plan to play some of the daily tournaments at ;

PH
Caesars
Venetian
MGM
Mirage
Hard Rock

These range from between $50 - $150 so shouldn't break the bank.
I also hope to play a satellite for the Bellagio's daily $540 tournament as we're staying there.
On that note I'll be trying the $50 trick to get a room upgrade at Bellagio and will report on my success on Friday next week.

I'm off to squeeze four massive cases into a Ford Focus....

Good Old Doyle...

I'm sure Doyle won't mind me quoting his blog here. One of my things to do in Vegas this year is pin that man down for a photograph with me..

'The WSOP should have some kind of hygiene rule. I’ve sat next to players that make you want to gag. Perhaps they should have cards for everyone that signs up that say bathe at least once a day. A few of the dealers need the same advice also because if you are in the 1st or last seat, you are right up against them.'

'I’m going to bed early so I can get to the dentist in the morning. I’m watching a movie about the Japanese bombing Pearl Harbor and a question came to mind. Why do the kamikaze pilots wear helmets?'

Doyle you're a legend.

*************

I'm having a crack at the PKR Open tonight, I entered one of the lottery satellites for $2 and won my $20 entry by 'beating off' 150 players. 600 players, $2500 1st place should do very nicely to take to Vegas next week. I'm also playing a few cooler tournaments on Virgin, still trying to grind out my rakeback there, as I've got to generate 100 Euros before they'll pay me. Buggers.

*PKR Open Update* - I busted in 90th position, ten short of cash. I played OK although lost my bottle by folding in a three handed pot for all my chips with the third nut flush draw. When I say it like that it was probably a good laydown, although I would have made my draw and won. I finished even in the Virgin five Euro coolers which I can't complain about.

Off poker, I had a phone call from my old boss warning me off head hunting any more staff to my new team. I felt like giving him a mouthful as it was partially his fault I left, but I thought 'What's the point? It's Vegas in three days!' That place even helps my career...
I've just introduced my new team to the pleasures of Backgammon. They can all play but have no clue how to play the doubling cube. At the moment I'm 36-4 up in a 100 point game for forty quid with the sicko gambler on the team. I love easy money....

Grim Up North..

The saying is generally true. I can say that because my whole family come from 'Up North' and I've just got back from a weekend of cups of tea, beer and visits to family. I even met a few previously unknown family members, one of which was about 25 stone. No poker over the weekend as it would have been rude, although I did play a bit of cash on Stars on the train back as there was free Wi-Fi.

I'm counting the days until Las Vegas as always. The good thing is there aren't many days left!

The garden took a beating last night in a storm. One of my three cabbages was eaten by the wife and some greenfly (50/50, which I thought was fair) and the runner beans are being attacked by blackfly. The spuds are still being dug up and eaten but the peas never see the plate as I eat them straight away.

I'm hoping to go to the Empire this week with my work colleages to take it down for a nice score..

Drainage Wars - A Victory!

Letter to the neighbours :

'I wrote to you all on 12th June regarding the drain clearance company I had to call out that day, and the fact that, as we are all responsible, I would appreciate the four properties splitting the cost. Thankyou for the prompt payment number 6. I’ve not heard from numbers 8 and 9 XXXXX Road so I have to assume you’re unsure whether you have to split the cost of this shared problem. I’ve been in touch with XXX XXXX, the Civil Protection Manager of XXXXXX Council who said ‘With regard to obtaining contributions from your neighbours, they are legally liable and you can go to through the small claims procedure in the County Courts to recover the sums due to you.’ He also gave me an official letter which pretty much says what I said a week ago, but I’ve included it below anyway:
Sewer Blockages – XXXXXX Road
As you may be aware, I had to call out a drain clearing company on 12th June 2009 to clear a blockage in the private sewer that serves Nos. 6,7,8 and 9 XXXXX Road. Consequently an account for £60 has been sent to me.

The blockage occurred in the section of pipe through which all four properties drained, thus the pipe is owned in equal share by those properties. As one of those part owners, I should be pleased to receive a contribution of 15 (one fourth of the total) towards the account.

Settlement of the account is due immediately, so I would appreciate your contribution as soon as possible.

With that in mind, and in the interest of being good neighbours and not falling out over something so trivial, I’d appreciate payment of the fifteen pounds from each house promptly. If you once again ignore my letter, then on the next occasion a drain clearance is necessary I’ll be forced to go through the Council, who will order the work to be completed and back charge all houses at a greatly increased rate. That rate may be more like eighty pounds each as opposed to fifteen and will be legally enforceable by the Council through the County Court. I hope you’ll agree in the long run it’s easier to do this the civilized way.'

One hour after that letter was delivered they came marching up to my door, money in hand, and paid up like puppies who'd been told off. The pen really is mightier than the sword!

Not a Bad Beat Story

I was playing in a pretty boring cash game in The Empire the other day. The table talk was less than exciting until a bloke said that we’d never guess what happened to him the previous night. I’d just gone through the blinds or else I’d have been out of there because this I didn’t want to hear. I’m glad I stayed. He said he was having a few drinks at the bar and the lady beside him engaged him in conversation. She said she was 67 years old and hadn’t had sex since she lost her husband six years ago and asked him if he was interested. He said she didn’t look too bad for her age but he politely declined her kind offer saying that he was a little tired and maybe some other time. As he got up to leave she asked if he’d be interested in a mother and daughter thing. He forgot he was tired and said he’d be quite happy to give it a go. They went to her room, she opened the door and shouted “Mom, I’ve got one!”

The Turbo King & Clive Sinclair

Alas 'The Turbo King' does not refer to me - it's a title a player at The Empire gave himself last night when he decimated my stack with his A8 vs my AQ when he hit an 8 on the river. This particular player is your typical gobby youngster who does OK at the small tournies, but most of what comes out of his mouth is pure boll*cks. I usually tolerate him as I know he'll overplay his Ace rag hands and I'll get some chips off him but last night he went on and on about his A8 so I lost it for a moment and told him 'I don't give a f*ck.' etc etc. I told him he wouldn't wind me up but he already had. I've got to get smarter and be calm at the table otherwise people will take advantage.

Anyway I came 13th out of 27th in the crapshoot for no money, but at least I met the Inventor of the Sinclair Spectrum Sir Clive Sinclair! He plays at the Empire loads and is a very respectable gent. I didn't mention the Sinclair C5 for obvious reasons...

Mexican Wave

I just asked my wife 'Where do you think the Mexican wave originated?' After a pause for thought she offered the completely serious response..... 'Wimbledon?'
What do you say to that?

Not Too Much Poker Going On

There's been a few things going on which have prevented me playing as much poker as I'd have liked over the last week or so. I've achieved my latest bonus on PKR which is nice, and I'm still trying to crack out as much rake as possible on Virgin so they'll pay me my rakeback soon. I'm hoping to get up to the Empire next week for a bit of action, but I'll stay off the 1/2 NL as I am rubbish at it. I'm still looking forward to Vegas and checking out the Niagra poker action first, and railing Jimbo in the WSOP.

On the gardening front the peas are fattening up, potatoes are being eaten and the spring onions are getting there (sorry).

The Empire Donk Fest...

I took my new colleagues up The Empire last night for the hairy crapshoot. The wife came too which which worked out very well. The boys enjoyed the tournament and we had a great night.
There wasn't too much to say about my poker, I busted out when my AQ couldn't hit against Jacks, and I lost 80 quid on 1/2 NL when my AQ hit top pair on the flop and I overplayed it against someone with aces - bugger.

The good news is that the wife tore the place up and got heads up with one of my colleagues (Meatball). They chopped it for 520 each which means as a couple we were 320 quid up on the night, 300 after expenses. I love the fact that the wife cashes all the time as it subsidises her part time income, but it's a bit embarrassing as I'm the 'big player' who plays online every day and has played at the WSOP.... I should stake the wife all the time and go and play Keno, I might make more money!

Good luck to Jimbo and Amatay out there in Vegas, I'll be out there to see the last few tables of the Main Event and do some star spotting. Not long to go now!

Good Beats!

A good beat is a bad beat you put on some poor soul. Here are two hands from today;

1. I push all in with Q7 for some reason. Two players call, one has A7 and the other has KQ so I was double dominated. I had a 4.5% chance of winning the hand and the flop came 77Q..... Good Beat!

2. I have AA and get it all in against someone with KK. His King comes on the turn as expected...... but my Ace comes on the river! Thank the stars for Barry Greenstein! That's another 4% hit on the river today! At least I had the best of it this time.

A Rare Experience for me..

I played the 20 quid rebuy at The Empire on Friday night and found myself in a strange position for a while - having a nice chip stack...

Hand 1
I pick up pocket fives in mid position with the blinds at 25/25. I raise to 50 to get a bit more money in there in case I hit my set. I get re raised to 125 by a bloke I put on AK - AT. I call and we see a flop of 6,7,8 rainbow. I bet 250 hoping to take it down there and the re raiser dwells for a while for effect and goes all in. I now put him on an overpair. I count my outs and I may have about 40% in this situation. I decide to have a gamble with my open ended straight draw and call. He has Queens. A lovely 4 comes on the turn and I double up to about 2000.

Hand 2
With the blinds at 50/100 I pick up pocket tens and raise to 250. I get called by a truly awful poker player who happens to be a pleasant person. The flop comes rags and I overbet the pot by pushing all in as I'm concerned about overcards hitting on the turn and river. The fish insta calls and shows pocket sixes which don't improve. I'm up to about 4000 chips.

When the break comes I add on and I have nearly 6000 to play with and I just know I'll blow the lot and fail to cash. Sure enough I go completely card dead after the break and get blinded down, then push with 76 offsuit and get called by two blokes with AT. My live cards couldn't help when an Ace flopped and I was out in 19th/49. Bugger. At least I've got Wednesday's game to look forward to - I'm taking my work colleagues up there so they can play live poker for the first time. Even if I don't cash it should be a laff!

Guess the Location!

We Don't Let Outsiders Win Here....

Do you ever get the feeling you should have stayed at home and watched 'Britain's Got Talent'? Ok maybe not Britain's Got Talent, but some other fine TV show like 'Everest ER' or 'Match of the Day' would have gone down a treat.

The reason for this feeling is I intended to play some poker at The Empire yesterday but my plans were scuppered when I decided 'It's Bank Holiday! Let's drive up to London, I'll get parked easily!' How wrong I was. The world and his wife were in Central London and there wasn't a parking space anywhere. I refuse to pay 15 quid an hour at NCP on principal, so I drove all the way back home, had a coffee, then took the wife down to the G Casino at Thanet for their ten pound, one rebuy + five pound bounty tournament. You start with 5k in chips and it's a 30 minute clock so it's a slow one. I've become so used to The Empire Hairy Crapshoot and it's mega fast structure, this tournament dragged on so long it hurt. What also hurt was the low prize pool. Out of 63 runners, if I'd finished my usual 9th I would have cashed for 20 quid.

The 'G' at Thanet is populated by a load of regulars and a few internet kids who think they invented the game. The regulars hate seeing outsiders win a pot. They give a running commentary whilst a hand is being played and have a five minute post mortem when a hand finishes, especially if the outsider has the bare faced cheek to win. If I was in my young and hot tempered days I would throw a few fucks around the room just to raise pulses a bit, but these days I'm much more mature and easy going. I just take it all in and smile inside. Another thing about the regulars is their hygiene - they smell like they've been out in the fields digging potatoes all day. To be fair they probably have (Thanet is a big farming area of Kent), they could have stopped off for a quick shower before playing. Even the dealers were chipping in to ensure the room stunk of man sweat. Not good for my concentration.

As the night went on and tensions rose so did the body odour. By the time we were down to two tables the smell was so bad that visibilty was getting quite poor. Needless to say the wife finished in about 30th and I busted in 13th - only four off that 20 quid bonanza I was expecting. I've never been so pleased to bust out of a tournament in my life. Bring back the Hairy Scary Empire Crapshoot! All is forgiven!

My Pride and Joy - Home Grown Chilis!

Bank Holiday Poker

After spending the whole day laying wood flooring in the kitchen yesterday and spending today fitting skirting boards and a new work surface I'm going to need some poker action on Monday Bank Holiday. The wife needs to give me another lesson in how to play, so we might venture up to the Empire in Leicester Square for their afternoon bounty then their evening crapshoot.

In the online world I'm still trying to grind out my latest bonus on PKR. I've got to get 2000 more points for a cash bounty, which I hope to achieve this week (kitchen allowing). After a dip in online results I'm on the up now, so hopefully that will continue right up to Vegas.

A special mention to Magical Mystery Poker Tour, Amatay and The Poker Bankroll guys for putting me on their blogrolls. Thankyou all.


Profit / (Loss) - Both live and online
Cash - $695
Single Tables - $1751
Multi Tables - $324
Total - $2770

I Wish I'd Gone to Macdonald's..

It’s a rare thing, me wishing I’d gone to MacDonald’s. There I was in Leicester Square all fired up a bit of poker at the Empire, just about to have a nice Big Mac and fries. For some reason I had a crazy thought that a nice pub meal would be very civilised.
Off I trotted to Yate’s in the square where I ordered the ‘Beer and a burger’ for £5.75. I had to have John Smiths as the computer said I couldn't have the Bitter I wanted, so I took my semi warm pint and sat down for about thirty seconds before my food arrived. I say ‘food’ in the loosest possible terms, as the burger was clearly micro waved about ten minutes ago and looked anaemic and processed, the bap was stale and the chips were limp.
The menu said the burger was ‘Prime Beef’. If there was any beef in that burger I’m sure it must have got there by accident. I wished I had a camera so I could film this sorry excuse for a meal and send it to trading standards. Instead of taking the meal back I did the British thing and ate it without complaint.
I sat in Yate’s for another half hour as I really hoped I would throw the whole lot up on their floor. I wanted to see if they were any good at cleaning, because their cooking was awful. Just before I left I noticed a smell of sick in the area I was sitting. I figured it was the proceeds of yesterday’s ‘Beer and burger’ meal deals.
All in all not the best preparation for a night of poker action!

The Poker Bit
After not being sick I got to the Empire at about 4.30pm. The £20 rebuy doesn’t start until 6.30pm so I played some 1/2 NL cash and lost £60 over the next hour and a half. My busto hand was when I flopped top pair and overplayed it against someone with a flopped straight. Prior to that came this hand:

I have 9 8 of hearts in mid position. The loose aggressive player UTG makes it £10 to call. There’s a caller and I think ‘I should push here for my last £42? Did I push? Of course not. I folded and watched the flop come Q, J of hearts and a blank. The other two players got their stacks in on the flop and of course the ten of hearts came on the turn, which would have given me the stone cold immortal (2nd) nuts on that board. It goes without saying that the £100 + pot was won by two pair. Sigh....

Shortly after my busto hand I start the tournament. I have a few hands of note ;

Hand 1
I’m playing my usual tight aggressive style when I pick up Queens. A player who’s folded makes a comment that the button looks keen on his hand as he tried to raise out of turn. I ignore this and put in a 4 x BB raise to which the button makes a minimum raise. I decide it may be ace king and call to see a raggy flop. He checks and I put my last 400 in before even thinking. He insta calls with his aces, the board bricked out and it’s time for an early rebuy!

Hand 2
I pick up pocket fives and fold to an early position raise when I had a feeling I would have flopped a set. The hand ends in a four way all in where I would have won with a rivered straight. At least I made the correct decision pre flop.

Hand 3
Coming to the end of the rebuy period I find AQ UTG and push all in. I get one caller who has A9 and my queen kicker holds. I now have 1500 to take into the freezeout period, 3500 after the £20 add on. 5k would be better but 3.5k will have to do.

Hand 4
I go through my customary survival period where I get no hands at all and I go down to about one or two big blinds. I hear you all saying ‘Don’t let it get to that stage!’ Every time I get aggressive with two or three tables left I bust, and most times I hang on and hang on I cash, so I have to go with what I know...
The blinds had just gone up to 600/1200 when I was moved to a new table, straight into the big blind. Bugger, 2100 left and in the BB for my tournament. I looked down to see KQs and I am happy with that. UTG limped, a big stack raised and I pushed. Both called and I was up against pocket sevens and Ace five. I spiked a King on the turn to triple up to 6500. Lovely old stuff.

I got to the final table where I needed to come 8th to break even on the night. I worked out it was £246 each for a nine way chop and offered it to the players. To my surprise and joy we agreed on taking £200 each with the other £450 being put on 1st, 2nd and 3rd. I busted out 9th when my pocket tens was busted by the legendary king two offsuit, but by then I was happy with an £80 profit. It was a great deal for me considering I was short stack at the table and was looking at a paltry £60 for 9th.

I'm looking to take my new work colleagues to the Empire for their first taste of live action. I know they will get ripped to bits. Is it cruel of me to be looking forward to it?

I grew these!!!!!!!!!

Hard Work in Currys

I bought a new laptop to take to work from Curry's at the weekend. It's a nice little Samsung 10". The price was 350 quid which I thought was ok. The thing was, if I'd listened to the Curry's salesperson and had everything he said I needed I would have spent closer to a grand. He reminded me of a double glazing salesman who just wouldn't let it go. I'll list what he tried to sell me ;

1. External DVD player - 60 quid
2. Carrycase - 20 quid (you get one in the box)
3. Insurance - 5 quid a month (covered on household insurance)
4. Norton 360 - 60 quid (Macaffe installed already and I think antivirus software is a conspiracy anyway)
5. MS Office - Hundreds of pounds (I have this already..)
6. Digital storage vault - I can't believe he tried to charge for this when I can get that free

I feel sorry for old people who go in there and don't know any better, they must come out with a load of stuff they don't need and then freeze to death over the winter when they don't turn on the three bar fire. Maybe I should start a service up where I go to Currys with folks and help them get just what they need. I would have to charge them for my time of course, but they'd still be saving money.

*******************************

On a separate note I stayed in the Comfort Inn in Arundel on Saturday night, it was mouldy, cheap and nasty. If you go to Arundel stay at the Travel Inn nearby.

On the subject of poker, I'm concerned to see the Loose Cannon gas shut for a few weeks, and I'm seriously considering going to The Empire Tuesday for a bit of live action. I can't seem to win online at the moment, so my plans of increasing the bankroll before Vegas are looking like a failure. On the subject of Vegas I've got seven weeks to go and I can't wait!!!!!!


Profit / (Loss) - Both live and online
Cash - $815
Single Tables - $1710
Multi Tables - $44
Total - $2569

O lny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.

I Cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs psas it on...

Message From Cousin George

It would seem George is up to his old tricks again ;

http://www.thehendonmob.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=17235

Enjoy

Las Vegas Here I Come!

Not long now before I go to Vegas, I've been five years in a row and I'm as excited as ever. I'm flying to Boston first, picking up a connecting flight to Buffalo and then getting a cab to Niagra Falls to see a bit of nature for a few days. Curiously enough I'm staying in a casino so I'm sure there will be some poker action....
After four nights I'm jetting off to Vegas via Chicago for fourteen nights in the Bellagio. I can't wait!

**********************

Tonight I'm playing in a $4500 freeroll on PKR, where the winner gets a $2500 seat in a WSOP event and $2k spends. It's a nice little bonus for winning a cash game hand with a straight flush on the site this week. There are about 150 players in the tourney and it's winner take all. My preparation has already started, I'm tucking into a bottle of rough white wine, and with 45 minutes to go I think I'll be pissed by the time we start. Maybe I will play with reckless abandon and actually win the bloody thing!
Hand reports to follow...................
..........................................................
3 hours later ---- I came 25th/140 for a grand prize of nothing. My bust out hand was when the villain hit a three outer on the river (of course), but I wont dwell on that. The wine I had did affect my decision making, so I vow to stay relatively sober next time I play a big tourney (I'm glad I don't play many big tournies). I hope Jimbo did better than me in his drunken poker fest last night....

Junk Mail Revenge + 100BB Straight Flush

One of my bug bears is junk mail, either through the door or in the inbox. Don't get me wrong I know businesses have to advertise, but filling my letterbox or mailbox with crap and trying to sucker me into sending money to Nigeria annoys me. This is what I do;

Junk through the door - I keep it for when one of the junk senders encloses a freepost envelope, they I send as much as I can fit in back to them.

Junk in the Inbox - I put the junk mail emails in a special folder, then when I get a new junk message, I send them the contents of that folder.

Give it a go, it will feel good I promise!

*******************************

My 100 Big Blind win sounds great until I tell you it was a 0.05 /0.1c table on PKR.

I had JT of spades in the SB and called a 35c raise from UTG+1. The flop was QK of spades and a low heart. The raiser bet 70c, I thought about calling to see what happens on the turn but I knew if another spade came it might kill the action. I pushed all in on the straight flush draw and the raiser insta called with aces. The gorgeous 9 of spades came on the turn to give me the stone cold (second) nuts, and the best hand I've ever had.
I was a bit put out that PKR took $1.99 in rake for that hand, although I did get a free entry into a WSOP side event satellite, which pays $4.5k to the winner. I suppose that's worth the rake. I play that on Sunday, and hope to be telling you about my glorious victory!

Home Game Nightmare

It was one of those nights last night............. I had no cards for hours then when I got a hand it was spectacularly crushed. We've all been there so I wont post the beats. Suffice to say that I was the biggest loser of the night, and I have vowed never to have another home game.
I changed the cash game format from limit to spread limit which made the pots a bit bigger, but last night it just meant I lost more.

On a positive note I start my new job on Monday, the area I'll be working in is much more respectable, and I'm looking forward to new challenges etc. I'm also looking forward to fleecing my new staff at poker and backgammon at lunchtimes.

As an aside, my two favourite free porn sites at the moment are Redtube and Cliphunter, have a bash at them when you get a chance.

Treading Water

I'm winning a few and losing a few online in single tables and heads up games for between $5 and $10. Sometimes I feel as if I'm just going through the motions, but then I remember poker isn't a job, and I'm generating rakeback all the time. I need to get back into the PKR Phase tournaments, as I won $380 in the heads up final phase a month or so back.

I've got a home game Friday where I'm going to introduce the players to spread limit cash hold'em. The tourneys I run are crapshoots at my home games, and I'm usually unlucky. I do better at cash poker at home so upping the ante a bit may increase my profits for the night.

On a side note I'm going for a bit of teeth whitening tonight as I've always wanted a nice smile. I will report later on whether it's worth it..........
Later............ Not too bad! 300 quid later and two hours in the chair and I have noticeably whiter teeth! Not Simon Cowell jobs of course (his cost 20k), but it's an improvement. I'll tell you what though they are a bit sensitive, I need a bit of Sensodyne I think.

Online Poker Paying for my Beer...

I had a fairly successful weekend of online poker making a profit of $47 in these matches ;

PKR
- Eight heads up matches from $3 - $11 buy in - Only four wins, $2 loss
- Two $11 double thru matches $11 - 'Won' both for $18 profit
- $4 Phase one tourney - Came 4th so I get another go, $4 loss
- $11 Deep 'n' Steep MTT - Busto in 117th, $11 loss

Pokerstars
- $21 double thru - 'Won' for $19 profit
- $6 MTT with 4662 players, bust 617th for $3 profit
- $4 MTT with 180 players, bust in 131st, $4 loss

Virgin
- $4 heads up - won it for $4 profit
- $7 double thru - won it for $6 profit

Full Tilt
- Four $7 turbo SNGs - One first, one second, one bubble and a 6th for $15 profit.

On PKR, FT and Virgin I get Rakeback so 30% of all fees are kicked back to me. Last month I got about $20 back on PKR which to me is free money, as I made a profit on the tables too. Happy days!

Latest Mrs Scampmanisms
Me - 'Kev has bought two lambs instead of a dog.'
Mrs - 'What, baby lambs?'
Me - '..............yes, baby lambs dear........'

Mrs - 'That horse over there is a fowl'
Me - 'What, a chicken?'
Mrs - 'No, a young horse idiot, a fowl'
Me - 'Foal'
Mrs - 'Yes, fowl, that's what I said'
.................................................................................................

Profit / (Loss) - Both live and online
Cash - $782
Single Tables - $1768
Multi Tables - $140
Total - $2690

Are these People Mad?

Dr John Sentamu is behind church leaders who said the decision to play games showed disdain for the religious traditions of Great Britain.
The Archbishop said the games between Aston Villa and Everton, and Manchester City and Fulham should be moved, to make Easter Sunday as important as Christmas Day.
And he said were it not for Christ's resurrection from the cross the clubs involved would not exist - How on earth he can make this link I don't know. He probably doesn't believe in the dinosaurs or evolution, things that the boffins can SCIENTIFICALLY PROVE. Religious rant over with, Happy Easter!

Making The Minimum Wage .. in Somalia

I played in a $6 tourney on Poker stars today. I came 617th from 4600 runners for a grand prize of $9, I worked out this was about a Dollar an hour which I could probably live on in Somalia, I suppose it's a pint of beer in Newcastle. Top prize was $2900 which would have been nice to take to Vegas, next time those 4600 players are in trouble...

Another Cash at the Hairy Crapshoot

Last night I had an urge to play poker with a load of hairy geezers, win some money, have a beer and watch the footy so I went to the Empire for their 6.30pm super turbo £20 re buy. The tournament is mostly push or fold for me, but there are a couple of key hands I'll recount ;

Hand 1
Blinds at 50/100, I have 2200 on the button and raise a limper or two with AdJd.

Flop AA9

Under the gun limper pushes and I insta call. He tables pocket nines for a flopped boat. The turn and river don't help and I'm down to my starting stack of 1000.

Hand 2
Next hand I call a hijack raise with KJo, the flop comes King high and I push when the preflop raiser checks. The sneaky bugger wanted to check raise me, as he called with KT and lost when his kicker was no good. Back up to about 2,300.

I added on and survived to the final table where they were paying top seven. I hate this about poker tournaments, in my book you should get something for getting to the final table, so I always try and make a deal. The hairy, scary lot weren't having any of it last night so I had to clench my arse cheeks and hope I didn't bubble again.

I was short stacked and called a clock on a bloke who took about five minutes to go all in with pocket sevens which I thought was reasonable as the blinds went up every fifteen minutes. I ended up busting in 6th when I picked up A7o on the button with no callers and pushed, only to be called by the big blind with pocket Kings. No miracle ace and I was out of there with £70. Only £30 profit on the night but better than a loss.

In summary I played my usual super tight super aggressive style the pros used to play. I know I need to loosen up and take a few more flops but when I do I seem to over commit and get spanked. The wife is much more aggressive (in every sense) than me and takes great joy in pushing all in with KTo when there's been a raise, an all in and a call, only to see the flop come King, King, Ten....... I just don't get that type of luck.

On a positve note that's my third cash in a row at The Empire, long may it continue.

No Lookie PL Omaha Hi/Lo

I'm a Hold'em player and only a Hold 'em player. A few of my gang have started to expand their poker skills by playing Omaha and other crazy games, so I thought I'd better have a go at learning a few. I dutifully loaded up PKR and had a go at some PLO Hi/Low heads up games for one Dollar a spin. I got my arse handed to me on a a plate several times and was called an idiot by a fourteen year old who'd clearly borrowed Daddies Visa card recently, so I decided to cover up the cards and play position, look at betting patterns, timing tells etc. There is no happy ending to this story - I still lost.

Nearly got to The Loose Cannon

I was all up for Super Saturday at the Loose Cannon then things conspired to keep me away from Roy, David and Sonny et al. I decided to get the skirting boards off in the kitchen so I can lay the flooring, and proceeded to rip half a plasterboard wall away. I felt obliged to sort it out instead of leaving it for the wife to find when she comes in. A few hours later and I'm too tired to trudge up town.

Instead I play the final phase on PKR, first place $700, four places paid. This single table tourney will take at least two hours as we've been going 51 minutes and we've only lost one so far. I'm down to 2100 from 2500 after being shafted on the river when a real fish hit trips for an 1100 pot. The good or bad news will be posted later.........

......................... Still playing after 1hr 24 mins, eight left now, I've had pocket Aces twice and only won the blinds after 3x BB raises. I can't bring myself to limp with Aces, as I can't bear to fold them later on in the hand. I'm up to $2800, but blinds are 100/200...........

........... Down to seven after two AA vs KK confrontations in a row, the kings won the first pot then the same player (ForFoxSake) won the second pot with AA. Quite exciting!

...............................Up to 2nd in chips after pushing with 77, getting called by someone with JJ and hitting a gorgeous 7 on the flop. I was forced into making a move with blinds at 150/300 and a stack of 1800. It's nice to be on the other side of suckout for a change! Six players left, I need to lock up 4th for $200 then push on for 1st. Come on!!!

..................Went down to $2000 after calling an all in with AT when the other player hit with his KQ, then I found 99 on the button, pushed and was called by AJ, I has to sweat a straight draw of course, but he missed and I was back to about $4100. Next hand I played a pot against the dangerous and tricky chip leader with K5, I hit second pair on the flop and he played his third pair timidly to lose a $2500 pot. I'm up to $6500 now and back to 2nd in chips, come on again!!!!

............... And now I'm out, I busted 6th after pushing on the button with AQs, being called by the big blind with AK and losing, then losing with A5 vs AQ. It's a coincidence that the wife came in and I went out just after I'm sure, but it happens all the time. It's like my concentration is broken by being disturbed. What a sucker punch. I've now gone from thinking what bottle of wine I'm having to celebrate from drowning my sorrows in the bottom of a pint glass. At least that whole thing only cost me $4.

Spending the Budgets...

Not too much poker going on for me at the moment. The home game last week was a real effort as you can tell from my last post. I've been working loads as this is the time of year certain organisations need to dump a load of cash so they get the same money next year. I'm on hand to help out of course as it all goes towards Las Vegas in the Summer. It's the thought of staying at the Bellagio which keeps me going on the 16 hour days I've been doing.

With the long hours I'm restricted to heads up tournies. I've been playing on Virgin and PKR with the odd Stars game thrown in. I haven't really got going on my next PKR heads up phase assault, getting up to level five then crashing down to level one at the hands of an abusive German woman.

Profit / (Loss) - Both live and online
Cash - $780
Single Tables - $1639
Multi Tables - $117
Total - $2536

Home Game Big Bad Monkey

I had a ten player home game last night with a strong field. The poker was pretty poor for me as I played badly, had no cards and had worked 85 hours last week so I was a zombie.

I was tournament director of course which is a thankless task. I was criticised for being too fussy when players were ;
String betting
Acting out of turn
Not paying attention
Showing cards when dealing.
I wasn't criticised however when I was sorting out multiple side pots, handing out the prizes or making the f*cking onion bahjees. I was also asked make several rulings here and there, so it's clear the players want to have the rules enforced, but only when it suits them.
My view is that without the rules we'd have anarchy, which is OK when we're not playing for money. When money is involved we need clear written down rules, which my lot will have next time.

Game Selection Pays Off Big Time

I've waited for weeks to play my final phase heads up match on PKR, checking the stats of potential opponents and looking for someone with worse stats than me. I finally found an opponent with stats that made him look like a beginner, so in theory I should be able to beat him and take the $380 1st place for a much needed boost to my SNG profits.

True to his ranking he called raises too much then folded to continuation bets, bet too much preflop with good hands so I could safely fold, and wasn't tricky enough. Despite all that I found myself with $3390 to his $4610 as I had been trying a bit too hard to push him around and he found a hand or two to call my river bets. Then this happened :

Penultimate Hand
Blinds 150/300
From SB I raise to 450 with JJ, villain raises all in and I call, praying for at least a race. He has 99 to my joy and the Jacks hold, I can't help but let out a small cheer...

The Last Wonderful Hand
I'm BB and the poker gods smile on me by giving me 99 this time. The villain puts his last $1200 in and I have an easy call, he has A2 of diamonds, the dreaded Ace doesn't come and I'm $380 better off - Cue the dancing, cheering and five minutes of running around the house naked until I realise the woman opposite can see my bare arse through the kitchen window. A tad embarrassing but $380 makes it worthwhile. I start my next phase campaign today!

Profit / (Loss) - Both live and online
Cash - $770
Single Tables - $1642
Multi Tables - $167
Total - $2579

Loose Cannon Club Super Saturday

From David Creasor's emails and the updates from Jimbo's blog (Magical Mystery Poker Tour) it would appear the Loose Cannon is getting busier all the time. With that in mind the Super Saturday running there today would be a good thing for me to attend. Unfortunately I'm too tight to pay someone to do my kitchen so instead of playing poker all day I'll be on all fours trying to remove skirting boards whilst trying to stop the dog taking me from behind.

I live in a fairly new house which is pretty much made of cardboard, but the skirting boards have been fixed to the cardboard wall so well I can't get them off without taking the whole wall away. I tried to take some tiles off the kitchen wall a year ago and found myself down to the breeze blocks. I'm not cut out for this DIY stuff....

***************************

As far as poker goes I've been playing some heads up games on Virgin and PKR with moderate success. My goal is to get my single table graph pointing the right way again, as it's starting to look like the outline of a VW Beetle. I still haven't played my $250 heads up phase game or the $160 final phase on PKR. Game selection is everything to me so I can wait. I know it's not in the right spirit but if I could take the buy ins without playing I would. It's likely I'll come second in the HU for $95 and come 7th in the final phase for nothing. I'm that confident!

(No prizes for guessing the location this time)

This Year's Profits

2009 is looking good so far, although my single table graph isn't looking too impressive. I'm $139 up in cash, $87 down in SNGs and $945 up in MTTs for an overall profit of $997.

I'm in a RakeTheRake $5000 freeroll at 8pm tonight, as it stands there are only 64 players so I should have a shot at quite a nice payout if I can stay off the beer.

I got to the final level of PKR's heads up phase tournaments. If I lose the final I get $95 but if I win I get $380. I will report on my win (hopefully) later on!

Ladbrookes put ten quid in my dormant account to tempt me back, I like free money so I decided to play some heads up matches on there. I've spun it up to 15 quid already. Maybe I'll use that account for my '10 pounds to 10,000 challenge' - It seems all the rage now.

****Update****
I came 10th in the freeroll for $120 when I lost a race on the final table bubble. I played my Phase 4 PKR SNG and won it after two hours, so I'm now through to the final phase of both the heads up and ten handed PKR tournies. I will play the finals next week.