Sunday, November 29, 2009

Genuine Australian Tourism Website Q&A

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A:Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...

Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Sending Me Over the Edge

Everyone was away this weekend apart from my faithful hound, so what did I do? Instead of going to the pub and getting smashed or going to the Empire to play some cash poker with reckless abandon I decided to have a good crack at finishing the en suite shower and sink fitting. I was doing really well when at about 8pm Friday night I thought about stopping work for beer. I decided to work on, and managed to break a waste pipe that was behind a toilet and couldn't be got to without removing half a wall. I've been feeling a bit run down for a while and have had a three month long cold (which must be some kind of record), so once I realised the gravity of what I'd done I had no option but to burst into tears and ring my Mum. Not once did I think 'I'm nearly 40, should I really be bawling over a fucking pipe?'
Anyway to cut a long story shortish my Brother came round and we spent four hours fixing the pipe, so now I'm back to where I started with a wall to rebuild.

I suppose it goes to show getting drunk and playing poker is much less stressful than DIY. Curiously enough I nearly won a PKR break thru tourney that night after a bottle of Chablis, so I guess it's not all bad news.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Very Strong Backgammon

I've been concentrating on Backgammon and DIY in the last few weeks. Poker has taken a back seat as I've decided I'm a fish at online poker and need to consider a complete change of direction. I need to move away from SNGs and low buy in MTTs and look towards cash games to make a bit of cash. Before I go down that road though I need to get Hold 'em manager, Poker Tracker or a similar program and get mining for data.* Once I've got it all in place I can start raking it in.

The Backgammon is coming on, with a small profit in the last couple of months. The lads at work are even talking about having a backgammon night with beers etc. I never thought in a million years I'd be going round someone's house to play a board game for money. I do love the game though.

I'm still doing the ensuite shower. Honestly I'm still doing it wifey...

* I just thought, I come from long line of miners, and far be it from me to buck the family trend.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Self Improvement Ruined

I had it all set up this morning. The house was empty, the coffee was made, the clips were streaming in nicely and the Kleenex was on scene. I was just about to start my self improvement session when I heard a car pull up. It was the Mother in Law/housekeeper turning up an hour early. Bollocks! I knew I had to let her in as she's got a key, so I paused all the clips and welcomed her into my humble abode. She cracked on with the ironing and I was left to ponder whether to go back upstairs, turn the sound down and have a quick danger wank, or shut it all down and retire to the shed to continue my painting. I chose the DIY over the wank, which is a new direction for me.

Whilst we're on new directions, my poker hobby is costing me money this year so I may start to play more online Backgammon. The downside of that is I have even more paranoia over cheating at Backgammon than poker, as it's a game of complete information. In the live arena I won a 40 quid game yesterday against one of my colleagues which must have hurt, so that may be the way to go.